Posts (page 2)

I'm trying my best to stay awake and alert which is quite difficult when you only get two hours of sleep.  By the time I went to bed red eyed and heavily sedated, the birds were already outside chirping.  It was a sure sign that the dawn was very close to bringing its glad tidings. 

The weekend felt like it lasted for awhile.  Long days of going out into neighborhoods, reflecting, rejoicing & time with friends. Right now I'm thinking about how someone yesterday morning asked if I found that a lot of my tests come from others in the [Baha'i] community than from my own self.  I just shook my head and thought to myself that I perceived that most struggles came from battling my own preconceived notions and prejudices.  Later on that night a particular situation came into being that now makes me think about that question again.  I'm thinking a little more of how I may be a test for other people or how other people are tests for me.  Sometimes the tests that other people bring aren't easily detected because the lessons learned don't just affect you, its more about how certain interactions affect others.  The struggle is more succinctly described as adhering to the principle of Unity. 

I typically consider myself as a person who tries to be in tune with group dynamics, but I'm finding (and this shouldn't be surprising) that I'm limited by my own conception of what actually makes a happy cohesive group.  My social skills are sometimes inhibited by shyness or reservations toward interactions that are new or intimidating. Can holding out on inviting other people into your world due to an occasional personality quirk be at some point considered selfish? Maybe its more of a matter of intention and heart.  If you try to open yourself up to others in a larger capacity than you did before, it counts just as much as actually "achieving" an ideal state where everyone becomes welcome.

Surely these things change, challenges come up, different audiences hold different needs.  I can think of a few friends who seem to be an example of setting their sights toward Unity at all times.  They're loving, they're inspiring, I'm grateful to have them in my life. I think as I get closer to going to Haifa, I feel like I need to make some quick adjustments in my attitudes and priorities.  I know they'll continue to transform as the process goes on here, in Haifa and beyond. Bring on the learning.

"What profit is there in agreeing that universal friendship is good, and talking of the solidarity of the human race as a grand ideal? Unless these thoughts are translated into the world of action, they are useless.

The wrong in the world continues to exist just because people talk only of their ideals, and do not strive to put them into practice. If actions took the place of words, the world’s misery would very soon be changed into comfort.

A man who does great good, and talks not of it, is on the way to perfection.

The man who has accomplished a small good and magnifies it in his speech is worth very little." -Abdul Baha Paris Talks

I started to write an entry about my brooding mood, the long hours at work and some of the tunnel vision I've been experiencing in terms of goals to accomplish, but of course near the end my browser freezes at the wrong moment.  At least after fighting through writing it the first time, I can condense.  Last night was the first time I had quality sleep in quite awhile.  No waking up in the middle of the night to check the time.  No mind cluttered with incomprehensible dreams.

I've found myself slipping into the "getting things done" syndrome, not in the enjoyable cross things off the to-do-list kind of way, but in the pushy and impatient way one feels when they're just trying to get to the other side.  I juggled two jobs in the past month in order to make a little extra cash to pay off bills.  & although I'm doing this for sort of a spiritual cause (all to help lessen financial burdens while I'm in Haifa), I don't feel very uplifted at the end of the day. All in all maybe it just boils down to mentally pushing myself a little too hard, working a little too much, instead of finding more enjoyment & sense of purpose in the tasks I do. 

My day job is service.  I'm here in a city I love with friends that live close by.  Even though there's things to do, there's much that's behind me.  For the sake of my sanity and happiness, refocusing is necessary.

"I hope that the unspeakable goodness of God will so strengthen you that the celestial quality of your soul, which relates it to the spirit, will for ever dominate the material side, so entirely ruling the senses that your soul will approach the perfections of the Heavenly Kingdom. May your faces, being steadfastly set towards the Divine Light, become so luminous that all your thoughts, words and actions will shine with the Spiritual Radiance dominating your souls, so that in the gatherings of the world you will show perfection in your life."

-Abdul-Baha Paris Talks

I've been tagged to do this, and normally I don't keep the chain going, but its an excuse to write something in this blog of mine.

5 things found in your bag:

1. My laptop. Don't tell nobody and don't think about stealing it either ;)
2. Pens. Of various colors, kinda.
3. A monthly calender riddled with post-it notes
   
4. Papers. Junk I can't get rid of
5. An umbrella.  It sucks, but its small enough to carry with you.
   

5 favorite things in your room:

1. My sketchbooks/art supplies.  Even though I don't use them, the potential is there.
2. The bed.  Even though its not always comfortable, it is a bed.
3. Photo album of Morocco.  Good trip, good pictures.
4. Books. Maybe I'd learn something.
5. Anything that's hidden from sight.  Too much stuff, not enough room.
   

5 things you have always wanted to do:

1. Cut my hair really short
2. Move in a really cool fashion (i.e. breakdancing, capoeria, or other impressive things)
3. Be a freelancer in either writing, design or both
4. Travel to Brazil & other such places along the coast
5. Create a graphic novel
   

5 things you are currently into:

1. Doing word finds during mindless tasks and downtime
2. Erykah Badu's New Amerykah 
3. Working more than one job
4. Creating half finished Photoshop designs
   
5. Taking the bus a really long way to get somewhere

1. I honestly don't know anyone else who'd do this
   

It's been a mixed day, mostly good & a lot in between.  Because there was a half day at work today and my latest temp assignment has been terminated/put on hold for the time being, I had from the afternoon on to do...everything. Being away from the house more than 12 hours of the day leaves little time for anything else.  Last Sunday I was just dead from all the things I had on my 'to-do' list.  It dwindles slightly with the end of a couple of my obligations.  It's also very tempting to find something else to immediately replace it.  I was so excited to get off of work before the rush hour hit to go and check off the things I wrote on my post-it note.

Today I: 

1. bought household items requested from Target
2. walked to the post office to mail some bills
3. cleaned the apt (which included dishes, dusting, & carpet cleaning)
4. laundry
   
5. took a restless, not very peaceful 17 minute 'nap'
6. went grocery shopping
7. rearranged my cabinets
8. scrubbed the carpet some more
9. picked up my room...kinda
10. & changed a lightbulb that's been out for months

My OCD journey to cleanliness and some form of organization was accompanied by a series of moods from contentment and excitement to irritation, melancholy, & fits of hysterical laughter at typically non-humorous topics.  Lord only knows why, BUT through it all I managed to maintain a very un-Moody like determination to obsess over mundane chores.

& now I'm all done I'm free to be as unproductive as possible...now that its midnight

It feels like it's been awhile since I've updated, when in fact it may only have been a week.  My computer usage has been sporadic because of some fiasco with my charger.  I haven't been able to get to the store in order to get a new one and so I've been doing what I can.  It's a fact, technology pretty much is an essential part of my life as it stands right now.  This morning I was late for my bus because I was searching for my wallet, yet again. That plus technology issues and an overall state of absent-mindedness has pointed to the need for a little organization.  My priorities have NOT been on the little important things, but a larger "need" to remove myself real-world responsibilities. 

I don't think that I really dislike my job even though I never seem enthusiastic when people ask me about it.  Haifa is coming and I am coming to grips that in 4 months I'll be starting another phase of my life.  I do need to pay more attention to my finances because it's important and...so forth. The time will come when I start putting things together and with a different attitude.

Right now I'm sitting in the teacher's lounge, a little sleepy because we have another day of dreariness in the midwest and I'm thinking how small some of my organizational problems are overall. I came to work and heard news that the mother of one of our student's was killed by a drunk driver recently. I never really had a connection with her, just a familiar face you got to know over the course of the school year.  It's still eerie to think that one moment someone's there, and the next they're not.  This world, of course, is fleeting, but sometimes we're given harsher reminders than others.

I wasn't in the mood to do real work by the time I saw my first student.  We did some letters and then I decided that jumping rope and playing catch was better at lifting the spirits.  Sometimes you just have to go back to the basics.

A week ago I was disturbed by old feelings and situations I thought were forgotten, but now I can only think of the satisfaction I've had the past couple of days being on "Spring Break".  Today's theme was to be childlike--exploring, climbing up rock faces, running down hills, laughing, swinging on swing sets after dark & eating vanilla ice cream with fudge. I'm trying to re-learn the significance of spontaneity.  Thinking about Spring helps a person want to get out as does daydreaming under the cover of city skylines. 

During a children's class this afternoon (today we just went out into the courtyard and played), me and another kid made snow flowers.  We came to the conclusion that if we helped make the snow flowers grow, then summer would come faster.  Although I'm convinced that I dislike MN summers, there's some parts of it that I anticipate.

Since this is my last spring/summer and everything else in Minneapolis for awhile before going to Haifa, I might as well make the most of it.  discover something new.

When it comes to reuniting with people from the past, it seems that it happens in succession.  I went to a concert last night with a friend of mine at the 7th St. Entry & saw someone I hadn't talked to in awhile.  I know he's been around, he's a DJ from my hometown so I usually see his name in print.  He's been in and out since I've known him.  He's the type of friend you see maybe twice a  year.  You connect for awhile and then get lost in the shuffle of the everyday.

It's snowing today.  Spring is here, but it's snowing. I missed meeting up with some friends at an Indian buffet this afternoon. As a poor alternative, I walked to McDonalds, my face down half the time because the wind is in my face.  Although he didn't see me, I spotted another acquaintance I hadn't seen since around this time last year. It put perspective on how time has gone by. 

When I went to order my food, the manager and an employee were having a serious disagreement.  I went up to the counter conscious of the limited amount of money I had and attempted to negotiate the price of a meal.  Feeling like the cashier wasn't helping, I started to feel grim and lifelessly mumbled a combination of food that might cost less than what I had in my hand.   Something as small as an issue of fast food wouldn't normally get me upset.  Maybe at that moment I became strangely conscious of conflict.  Conflicts of the past & little things in the present that reflect those old feelings of being unable to get what you want & not being helped in the right way.

It's something not to get wrapped up in. But I wasn't expecting to deal with it either on a simple trip for lunch.